Pocket Burgers, Outback-doors & Wonderful Friends

 

A blog about St Augustine, Florida.

 

As the bus ride dragged on, I became more and more worried about staying with Ronald & Lisa as they have a two-year-old. Most people will know that I do not like children at all, their whiney, annoying little voices and faces piss me off to a degree that can only be matched by old people.

 

We arrived in St Augustine in the afternoon and were picked up by Lisa and Lincoln.

Lincoln takes one look at me and bursts into tears, I don’t know if it was me or if he was agitated because our bus was late and he wasn’t allowed to play with the demented kitty that was wandering around the bus station.

We were driven back to Ronald & Lisa’s beautiful home that overlooks a lake, we were greeted there by two little dogs, Stewie & Joe, Ronald was also there waiting for us on arrival. Everything we had was thrown down into our room and settled down and just hung out with our new friends.

 

The following morning with Ronald at work and Lincoln at school, Lisa took Megan and I to our first Wal-Mart, where I found out that a pair of shorts I purchased at home for $90 cost a rather cheap $17.50 at Wal-Mart.

We filled our cart right up and Lisa was kind enough to buy me a whole bunch of new socks, as she found my ones filthy and unwearable.

After we got back home, Linc brought out a plethora of books that he wanted me to read to him. The first I picked up was a book about toilets, which amused me to no end. What amused me even more is when Linc came up and pressed a button on the book that makes a flushing sound. Then I proceeded to shouting POOP all the time and Lincoln shouting out POOP at the top of his lungs couldn’t have made me happier.

Heading to bed that night, Ronald ran down to our room and made us come out into the living room to show us that there was a frog on the glass door…..but the door was covered in something….what is that? Is that……..frog jizz?….OH MY GOD!

The glass door, streaked with frog semen was one of the strangest things I have ever seen.

 

Lisa took us downtown the next morning, and downtown St Augustine is a beautiful place where most of the buildings are original buildings and are just amazing to look at. We walked down streets which were as wide as alleyways tried on stupid hats, ate hot sauce that was far too hot for human consumption and visited The Imaginarium which has a whole bunch of Dr Seuss artwork and sculptures….I mean, 40,000 isn’t bad for a Green Eggs & Ham statue…right?

We went to pick Linc up from school and then went back home and hung out on the couch waiting for Ronald to get home.

Once Ronald got home, he and I went to Hooters to grab a beer and pick up some hot wings and some deep fried pickles……or dickles if you will.

We ordered the wings to be as hot as they make and took them back to the house to enjoy our feast.

We sweated our way through the wings, which were delicious and chilled out on the couch with a couple of beers and watched a movie, then Ronald and I busted out the Gamecube and played video games for a few hours.

 

Saturday night came around and Lincoln had a sitter for the evening and the four of us went to Jacksonville to have a few drinks and enjoy a fine Saturday evening. We went to a bar where there is usually a lot of dancing, but of course I do not dance, so Lisa danced and Ronald, Megan and I sat there doing shots of tequila and drinking.

After the dancing bar had been exhausted we moved to Jacksonville Landing, where there was a bar where Ronald and I got a few huge shots of Jager and smashed down a few more beers.

After we all pretended to fuck each other with a ‘wet floor’ cone, we made it back to the car and started the journey home.

Lisa pulled into the driveway and Ronald and I got out of the car to urinate by the side of the house, as Ronald took the longest piss ever….I was in tears of laughter, I reached into my back pocket and found a cheeseburger.

I was told that we had gone through a drive through at Wendys and I had got a cheeseburger, however it is still a mystery as to how sitting in the back of the car, my burger made it into my back pocket.

 

After a few days of relaxation and playing Guitar Hero with Lincoln and teaching him how to make ‘rock faces’, Lisa took us back down to downtown St Augustine, where we went for a walk around the amazing Fort Matanzas, where we took some photos and looked at a wall which they used to shoot people in front of so there were some nice big holes in the wall.

If you have seen the TV show ‘Ripleys Believe It Or Not’ you will know what the big castle where Dean Cain once introduced clips of people doing strange, sometimes disgusting things, looks like. That castle is actually in St Augustine and it is a big Ripleys museum. Lisa took us there and we got some photos of the castle and its surrounds and played around in the gift shop for a little while.

 

The weekend came around, Lisa stayed home to look after Lincoln and Ronald took Megan and I back to the fort, this time to go inside and explore.

Inside we looked at the original gates of the fort and stone crests.

Outside, although it briefly rained, we used cannons as cocks, toilets and anything else we could think of that amused us.

The fort was truly amazing, the entire thing is made from coquina which is crushed shells and coral formed into an extremely strong and beautiful looking limestone type rock.

 

The following evening Ronald had planned for a cookout, so after all the assorted meats and vegetables and fruits were gathered together, Ronald and I grabbed a Blue Moon each and he started up the grill and grilled up anything in his sight.

Lincoln played on his playset and I just sat watching the lake, smelling the delicious food cooking on the grill and drinking my beer on a beautiful Sunday Florida afternoon.

We filled our stomachs full of everything that had been cooked and drank more and more. Lincoln went to bed and more alcohol was consumed, Ronald and I thought it would be a good idea to do some double tequila shots, followed by more beers.

We played on Lincolns playset, I jumped off Lincolns playset and scratched up my arm….then we created a shot, that was possibly the most awful drink of all time.

It was a triple shot of tequila with the rim of the glass coated in Vegemite, Ronald and I were the only two to try this awful concoction. After slamming down three shots of tequila in one and having it mix with Vegemite on the way down we ran around in the back yard for a bit and then Lisa tried to teach me how to dance before she collapsed on the floor in a heap and Ronald picked up the slack and danced with me.

I don’t remember anything after that, my next memory is waking up in the morning and making my way to the toilet to vomit a few times, then head back to bed in anticipation for coffee a couple of hours later.

 

As Ronald had the week off work, he took us to the park by the church, where there are thousands upon thousands of squirrels running around looking to feed on anything they can get their tiny little paws around.

The park is beautiful, there are rivers and a lake, a church to the side of it and statues, gravestones and fountains all around, squirrels crossing footpaths and scurrying up trees, it was incredible.

Megan had a genius idea, to take the bag of peanuts she had and tie them to a string that was attached to a stick. Ladies and gentlemen….welcome to Squirreling.

Its almost like fishing but the bait is not worms, its unsalted peanuts and there are no fish, only squirrels….however….our problem was that we didn’t have any normal string, we only had elastic, so everytime we would hook a squirrel and they would run off thinking they had the nut, all of a sudden it was gone and flying back towards us, the fishermen, in a rather violent fashion.

After squirreling had concluded we started to just be friendly and feed some of the squirrels by hand. This was all well and good until as I was feeding one of my furry friends, he decided to knock a peanut out of my hands and take a bite out of my finger, this resulted in blood and a fair bit of pain….it also resulting in me having enough of the squirrels for one day.

 

A few days later Lisa took us to her parents condo, where there was a pool and where Lisa had to do a photoshoot for some of her new scarves and jewelry.

As I swam in the pool and cooled off from the hot summer heat, Megan lounged around on the banana lounges and took some photos.

It seemed odd for Megan to be wearing big, thick woolen scarves in the middle of summer on a boiling hot day, but she was the model and she did what was asked of her.

We went and picked Lincoln up from school and we took him to get a haircut, then grab a burger at Five Guys….which were delicious burgers.

We took a quick walk over to the pet store and it was Lincolns first pet store experience and the guys who worked at the store were awesome, they let him pet a ferret and a rabbit.

That evening, Lisa took Megan and I out into St Augustine and we went hunting for ghosts, unfortunately they wanted nothing to do with us, no matter how much Lisa talked to them and tried to get them to have a chat.

 

The next day, we went to a mall so that Megan could visit a pet store that had dogs, in the hope she would be able to hold a Chihuahua. She ended up holding two different little Chihuahuas and was wondering how they would go with traveling.

I fell in love with a Boston Terrier, I think I like their funny bung eyes and Lisa played with an English Bulldog that was fat thing that slid around on the slippery ground.

 

That night we went out for a farewell meal as it was our last night staying in St Augustine, we had a delicious feast and then went for a little walk around St Augustine for one last time.

 

The next day, we packed all our belongings up, Megan even tried to pack Stewie and Joe.

We headed to the bus stop and Ronald, Lisa and Lincoln said their goodbyes, as did we, and we headed to travel to Washington D.C.

 

In the end, we had such an amazing time with this amazing, beautiful family, that I can’t explain in my blog how wonderful they were to us. They are so generous and kind, they are extremely close friends and they will be forever.

As for Lincoln, I had nothing to worry about, that child is pure gold, I sincerely miss him and I do get sad everytime I think about him because I don’t know how long it will be until we see him or Ronald or Lisa again.

 

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

 

BJ